May 14th 2006

Total Recall...

Mom's Day

Happy Mother's Day to all you mum's.

I always get nervous thinking about mother's day. This isn't any different than the others.

What makes this really nerve wrecking is that I never know what mood Mummy Dearest is going to be in. Hopefully it will be nearly a good mood. I dunno, especially after the nightmare total recall I had these past two weeks.

I don't want to go into too much detail as I'm just getting to the point that I can even talk about it. To make a long story short... I remember being molested as an infant. A pillow being placed over my head started me having asthma, and I started telling everyone I had a secret. Also, I began hiding under the bed, closets and the bathroom. They were always looking for me. Eratic spanking took place which I never understood and I was always drowsy.

I remember this pill called "Sleep Ez" or something like that. I don't know if it was administered to me or how, but I do remember some not to mention things happening that come to my mind in spurts. I don't know for how long this happened, I guess between the age of 1 - 4yrs of age.

Did I say I'm feeling horible because of it? In the meantime, I told my mom the other day. She was horrified. I told her not to tell anyone. I'm feeling a chill, like she did. I don't know how to handle this if she brings it up tomorrow, especially since it's Mother's Day. I want to run and hide like I did when I was younger. I've already cried and shuddered thinking the recount over and over. Something I'd like to forget.

I haven't been able to sleep at night for the past week and I've got my final MFA Art Show next weekend. Trying to focus here and here I am recalling something that happened many, many years ago. If this information comes out to about who it was, I don't know how the dynamics will change. I'd like to forget, but I just remembered.

It's like a dream, because when you are so young like that, you are taught to trust adults and I had no clue as to what was happening. No one told me that any such thing could ever happen to me, so how would I know to tell someone about this? I'm not really confused, nor do I feel spiteful. I have no resentments towards this person, but as I think upon things, I wonder how this person could live with himself. Know me all of my life, facing me and degrading me throughout my life now all makes sense. I feel a sense of relief knowing I know this now. I guess he will just have to answer to God.

The Good News is...

This week I was able to offer flowers on the altar at the temple, I feel a heightened spiritual confidence I've never felt before. And a greater sense of what Loving Compassion is. Perhaps this gift was sent to me as a blessing that I will pass onto other's as Next Weekend I'll be granting Wishes as the FairyGodMother in my show!

Hugz n Lub, Bebe da FairyGodMum