April Fools Day

Da Big Foo

True Story #1

Big Fool

The ONLY Big Fool I ever really knew was my ex husband. Yes friends, I had one of them too! And because today is April Fools Day, I would like to dedicate this story to ALL Fools across the World.

Now I'm not going to get into a big smeel about how rotten he was, nor am I going to rant and rave about how miserable I was. I'm ONLY going to remember the Good Times.

April Fools

Yes, the good times. We were movin on up from eating my homemade whole wheat pancakes everyday with tomato sauce and onions. I had a 10lb bag of flour in the fridge that I forgot and this was all we had to eat. Sooo... I became a culinary expert at making something he would eat. PANCAKES!

The day he showed up at my retail sales job, I was working in Berkeley across from the University (UCB). There he was with one of my old love letters in his hand. It was from a distant lover who lived in Philly. Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, my ex was calling quits on me right in front of my manager and the shoppers.

Why OH Why is this such a good memory you might ask... Well.. Let me get to the good part.. Oh wait.. the sloppy part comes first Hold on a Sec.

My manager made him leave the store cause he was disturbing my work. He paced in front of the door and sat down on the steps waiting for me to get off. He didn't say a word only waving this white paper in his hands, eyes red and whistling a tune. This behavior was a clear indication that I was gonna get hell.

In the car he had me to drive to a remote location, he didn't know how to drive. I had a 69 bright yellow Saab, this was my very first car, it was a stick shift on the console. There was something wrong with the doors. One door opened from the inside not the outside. And the other door did the exact opposite.

Ok.. back to the story..... We ended up at the Rose Garden near our apartment in Oakland. One of the most beautiful spots in all of the Eastbay. We walked slowly down the descending stairs, I remember the air smelling like puke and no birds were singing. It was as if an earthquake was about to rumble, the quiet before the eruption. We sat on a park bench then he pulled out the letter that I had saved. Dayum.. yes folks, I was busted for keeping something that was not from him a faded memory. It was ONLY a letter NOT the actual person who lived miles away and whom I knew I would never be with. Besides.. I was married for Christs Sake!

The LOVE Letter

Anyway.... there he was reading that 3 page letter to me I was silently bored. Every now and then he would ask me..."Are you Listening?" I'm respond.. Uhhh Uhhhh... or Yes, Yes... Otherwise he didn't let me speak a peep besides he was boiling mad and I was scared for my life was going to end right down there amongst those beautiful roses.

As I listened to him recite word for word (Actually I wasn't listening at all) In my mind I thought how stupid this all was, there he was getting mad over a letter, I mean it wasn't even a breathing human being. But apparently he thought this was something worth breaking up our marriage over. He was a highly jealous man and If anyone ever blinked at me the he would grab, shout and shake me then blame me for flirting with someone.

After his GBS (Grab, Shout & Shake) I would get nothing than less 2 hours worth of lecture about how I was such & such, and how I needed to change my wretched ways. I hated those lectures, I remember them as being some sort of brain washing technique he devised in psychology class that made me become his Stepford Wife. Took me quite a few years to de-program through that shyt... but that's another story.

Pic: Oakland Rose Garden

After his ridiculous lecture we started slowly walking up the stairs. Of course he demanded an apology as he shook me blind, which I thought was silly.. I mean really why would I apologize to an someone who didn't love me. But he shook me and shook me until my head hurt, so I cried and ran ran ran up those 3 story stairs until I got out of breath, but I didn't stop running. WHY Oh WHY did I run.. cause he was a track star in school and soon caught up with me. He tried to toss me down those steep stairs. I saw my life flash in before my eyes and decided right then and there if I were to survive this ordeal, I was flat out leaving him.

I had to calm down because I knew I wanted to make it through this, so I walked with him back to that bright yellow bug as he clenched my neck. He then decided he was hungry after we got into the car but of course he was mad again cause I had not gone grocery shopping. (Really there was food in the house just nothing he liked to eat. He ONLY ate Black Eye Peas, White Rice and Beef with Onions in Tomato Sauce. Salt with tons of Red Pepper. EVERYDAY!) Well.. really he didn't give me any food money and I swore I wasn't spending my money on feeding a man. And I sure didn't want to spend it on eating that crap. We ended up at the MacArthur Broadway Shopping Center. A very busy place but for some reason there was hardly anybody in the parking lot that day. It was very erie.

As we got out of the car, I back tracked and went to get something out of the back seat. This is when my ex reopened his door real fast because he thought I was going to trick him and lock him out of the car. (*You have to know this wasn't our first argument and that I had locked him out of the car before.. tee hee) Now I remember... when the passenger side door closed, even though it was unlocked it wouldn't open unless you did so from the inside. I was messed up that he knew my trick.. and then thought.. OH What a Good IDEA! So when this next time he slammed the door, I jumped back in the car and locked my door. There he was yelling at the top of his lungs banging on the outside of the car.

Pic: 1969 Saab.. Just like my old car.

Happy Camper that I was, I started to drive off. Little did I know that he would jump on the hood and I would drive with him staring me in the face through the front window shield holding onto the sides with his hands as I drove through the parking lot onto what I thought would be busy street. MacArthur Street back in those dayz used to have tons of yuckie prostitutes, drug dealers and oddly families shopping at the mall, so the police should be nearby Right?

Noooooo.. Not a blue coat in sight that day. Hardly anyone at all drove by. There must have been some sort of Superbowl football game on TV, World Series or something because after waiting on the street and driving 1/2 block for 10+ minutes, I had to back up the car into the parking lot all the while this FOOL was holding on for dear life. There he was screaming.. Ok folks I just wanted to let you know that I was only driving less than 5MPH revving up the engine every now and then just to get his attention. You shoulda seen the look in his eyes!

OHHHH YOUUUUU AREEE GOINGGG TOOO KILLLL MEEEEE...
he yelled

This was the funniest of sights I'd ever seen or will ever remember. (THIS is the GOOD PART) Especially after I had this man dayum near kill me by throwing me down 3 flights of stairs. Embarrass and dayum near get me fired at my job and then bring up some old shyt love letter that didn't mean a thing to me and make a Big Frucking Deal of it All. Here is my so called husband acting like a BeJesus FOOL didn't make one lick of sense.

There I was parked in the lot sitting, waiting for someone, anyone to show up. Then finally one tall handsome young man (Knight in Shinning Armor) came bouncing his basketball into the parking lot. Wouldn't ya know, he was someone that I knew at the City College where I was taking dance production classes. My husband jumped from the hood of the car and stood in front of it now... then started shouting at the young man.

THIS IS MY WIFE AND I LOVE HER!

Bullsheet. I partially rolled down the window and asked him to go get the mall security. Within a few minutes here comes security. My ex afraid of anyone in a uniform jumps off the car for good this time. I thank the security and drive off.

Now WHY is this a good day you might ask. Well... I finally realized that this man was a fool. Did I forget to mention his birthday is April Fools Day?

Happy Birfday ya Big FOO!
For those of my readers wondering... the guy in the previous entry is not my ex husband.

Also... Later the young man bouncing the ball said to me "So That's Your Husband" Remember I was a faithful wife and always had men flirting with me. Months after I left my husband I dated that young man briefly.. well that was until he asked me to marry him.

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